Showing posts with label lifestyle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lifestyle. Show all posts
I am currently 19 years old and as I watch all of my friends turn 20 and 21 around me, I'm starting to look forward to a new decade. Yes, I still have six more months until I get there, but just recently I have felt very nostalgic and have been remembering moments of my teenage life that just seemed to fly by. In all honesty, I feel like I should just write a book about the concept of time, but that would be too long (granted someone has probably already done it).
I've heard that your 20s is the time of your life and the period where you really discover who you are. While I like to think that, I believe that your whole life is there for you to constantly change and discover who you are. For one thing, you're legal, so there's that. But something about being in my 20s seems scary and inticing. I haven't felt like I have wanted to be seen as more "adult" or at least since I'm usually the youngest in the room, I haven't felt left out. Maybe it's my mature sense of being. I haven't exhausted my youth and am still anticipating many experiences to come.
01. I have the ability to invest in my future
As a sophomore in college of course I have been thinking about what my future plans are in terms of my career path. As of now, I am really excited with my major and know that I chose the right choice. Being in my 20s will allow me to really think about what I want to begin with and which path I want to take.
02. I will travel as much as I want
Finances aside, I have the liberty to decide if I want to go on trips or not without impending schedules. I hope to do more traveling later on as much as I can while I'm young and without children. Sure, I won't have as flexible as a schedule as I hope, but if all is good with the company I work with, there's gotta be vacation time in there somewhere.
03. My relationship with my family will grow
I wouldn't say that I have a bad relationship with my family at all, but there have been "teen rage" moments that I'm not entirely proud of and I think showing my family, especially my parents, that I am capable of being an adult and on my own will alllow for more bonding and less drama.
04. I can make big decisions for myself
Yes, I have already made some big decisions for myself, college being one of them, but with my parents in mind of course. When I'm in my 20's, I might be finding my first apartment, first job, first car, on my own. I couldn't think of anything more empowering than knowing that you made the decisions on your own.
05. I will meet new peopleInevitably, I will be meeting new people all the time and that's the goal for the remainder of my life. Each year I am introduced to someone, at least one person, who makes an impact on my life in some way. It's kind of funny to think about the people I might soon meet and have no idea who or where they are at this moment.
06. I'm allowed to make mistakes because I'm young
Still being in my 20's will allow me to have a security when it comes to making mistakes because, hey, I'm still pretty young and there are a lot of new things for me. Not that these mistakes are okay or I'm validating them, but I think that being in your 20's is a could median "buffer zone" where you're still trying to figure yourself out.
With that said, making mistakes also means being responsible for them and my actions. I'm not 15 anymore and I can't just rely on my parents to fix the problem or hand it off to someone else.
08. My Style Will Evolve
My taste in clothes has come a long way, so I am eager to see how drastic my clothing choices change—or don't. Hopefully, they do. I'm not tired of the blue jeans, chelsea boot, look yet, but I hope that my style in my 20s remains fresh and my authentic self. Who knows, maybe I'll actually wear heels.
09. I hope to change my fitness regimes
I've loved doing yoga, don't get me wrong, but I've felt like I need to expand the ways in which I stay active. I just started to box, which is a start, but I also want to maintain my mentality and motivation throughout my 20's while not holding myself accountable for feeling lazy one day. Maybe my eating habits will change, I'll find a new fitness class I love, or I run a race. The possibilities are endless.
10. My writing journey will prevail
I've felt a lot of pride with how far I've come with my writing, but whether it be with my job or some opportunity, I hope that I will be recognized in some way. I find fulfillment in the growth and improvement I've made, but a little part of me wishes that some big thing will happen with it. A book, a headline, an award, something.
I'm not in a rush to be 20, as there are many things I'm dealing with now in school and life, but it's bittersweet to think about the opportunities I will have coming my way (and the stress). I think that's why so many people are trying to live more in the now. We are so fixated on deciding our futures that we don't realize the impact that our present day has on us.
These things aren't set and stone, but can be used to refer back to and reflect upon when I am in my 20s. You know, right now as I'm sitting in this local coffee joint, I'm worrying about what research papers I have due, what my roommates are doing, if I'm going to study abroad or not, who knows what I could be worrying about when I'm 20, 25, or 29? Are you excited to be 20? Are you already 20?
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I've been meaning to dedicate a post to my pup for awhile now, granted he is a dog and doesn't care or understand at all, but for everyone that knows him, this is a little update on how he's doing at the moment. He is about 19 months old and will turn two in July. It's funny because in the picture above, he looks like an old man—he's really still a baby. I mean we've improved on the minimal amount of accidents and "happy pees," but he is still very much a puppy and has the energy of the Tasmanian Devil.
I think the extremely cold weather hasn't gotten to him or bothered him that much, just when we have to take him out to the bathroom because his paws freeze so quickly and he will reject or eat any type of sock or bootie we put on him. So, that was a little concerning when he couldn't poop for two or three days in late January when Chicago got a blast of the polar vortex. Other than that, he loves the snow and anything that flies in the air. He could stand in the snow banks and just chomp chomp chomp all the snow away and stare at me like it's not normal for him to be inhaling this much snow.
Since I am away at college, I miss him during the weeks, but when I come home occasionally to babysit my favorite thing is having him sleep with me on my bed. It's hilarious because he used to be addicted to going on my bed even when I wasn't home, but now he waits until I'm home to sleep with me. My parents say that he sleeps on their bed when I'm away, and my mom very much dislikes it when he does because he basically lays on her. He really doesn't like sleeping alone is what I figured.
Usually we take Cooper to daycare, and saying that word "daycare," is an instant trigger for him. He bounces off the walls and prances down the hall to the back door. My mom and I take him on Fridays, but he'd be fine if we left him there for the weekend. He has a lot of energy, so we enrolled him into the "high energy club," at daycare. It basically means he's in a pen of other dogs who act just like him—a kid on a sugar rush every minute of the day. You bet everyone knows him at daycare. "Hi Cooper," they'd greet us before we even get a minute to tell them who he is.
I call him a meercat because every time he thinks he hears something, usually a leaf or the wind, he pops his head up and usually runs to the front window and stands up on his hind legs to look out and see what's "out there". Not like he would ncessarily protect us from anything. I appreciate the effort, though. Cooper is an enigma, most of the time I can't figure him out.
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In celebration of the Day of Love, or Valentine's Day, I wanted to do something that wasn't just me telling you all how single I am. Of all the people that whine and complain about their relationship status and how alone they'll be for one day of the year, I thought I could do something different and more lovable towards myself. When Hallmark card prices sky rocket and red and pink dominate all the stores, it can be easy to forget what this day of hearts and xoxo's really means.
A lot of people have much dislike for this holiday and criticize the perceptions of relationships and love and all that is dating, but why waste the time? Instead, I want to reflect on some things about myself that I would like to find more love for—because self love is so important.
01. My Love for Others
It is easy for me to say that I try to put others before myself the best way I can and while I might not admit it all the time, it is definitely there and always on my mind.
02. My Strength
Sometimes I think that I am too physically strong, like my muscles are just too big. Physical or emotional, strength is something that not everyone is capable of achieving.
03. My Creative Ambition
I know I can get hard on myself when it comes to projects and creative ideas that I have for my blog, school, and just future aspirations and goals. I've realized that I need to use my creativity and just do what I enjoy doing and continue doing it.
04. My Pudgey Tummy
There's just a little flab of fat below my belly button that I've constantly been trying to flatten and tighten, but I just love Nutter Butters and buffalo wings too much to care. I'm human, I have fat, and a little cushion on my belly won't do harm.
05. My Dumb Sense of Humor
When I meet people I don't 100% get comfortable enough to just let myself go and release all the puns and dumb shit my mind thinks of. I've held myself back a lot and for that, I'm not being at all authentic and who I want to project myself as—a funny ass chick!
06. My Anxiety
Over the years I have definitely had my ups and downs with it, anxiety is not something that really goes away and is not easy to confess to or accept. It's a part of me, though. I need to embrace it and recognize what it does to me and how it makes me feel. I 've found ways to suppress it and it just makes it harder to deal with. When worries arise, I have to admit to them and be the strong person I know I am.
07. My Persistence and Costant Need for Improvement
I'm no perfectionist, but I find that my drive and want to better myself and move forward in life is a very motivating and empowering trait to have. I forget my purpose and goals of what I'm doing when little obstacles get in the way, but somehow I always find my way back onto my feet.
I hope I don't sound overly self induldgent when I talk about some of these things about myself that I have come to recognize need more love. I truly think that all of us need to reflect on the things about ourselves that deserve a little extra love because sometimes it's okay to be your own Valentine.
Pictures by Emily Rohman
Pictures by Emily Rohman
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I think that was the world's longest January ever. Not to mention the coldest. If you weren't aware of the polar vortex that was happening practically everywhere throughout the US, well Chicago went sub-zero and had a -50-degree windchill. Then it went 100 degrees warmer and I've experienced some whacky Chicago winters, but this one tops the cake.
I'm sure you're sick of hearing about the weather, but us midwesterners are fascinated. January seems to slump a lot of people, especially because it's frigid and everyone is trying to get back into the swing of things. I've found it really hard to transition back into my routine, but I'm trying as hard as I can to keep up with school!
Everyone I know is looking forward to sunnier and brighter days. While I hate pushing my life away and forgetting about the past months, it really feels refreshing to turn the calendar and start over. Here's what I might be doing this month...
01. While I have been really getting back into study mode, I haven't put my blog on the back burner. As you might have noticed, I have a new and improved look! I've been trying to develop a theme over the past month that I really like and I think what I'm doing will suffice. It's mainly finding the right editing filters and designs that I want to maintain across all my platforms. So far, I am quite pleased with how it all looks and am excited for what new content I will create within the next month.
02. My dad and I are going to see Panic! At the Disco this month and I cannot tell you enough how excited I am for it. I have been a passionate fan and listener for a few years now and sometimes I forget how much fun I have at concerts.
This year I would love to plan to go to more concert outings or like music festivals. Thankfully, since I live in the city and am so close to so many smaller concert venues, I'm able to catch some of my favorite smaller bands that come to town. One of the major perks of going to school in Chicago.
03. I am an active member of my schools Public Relations Student Society (PRSSA) which is a pre-professional organization that public relations or communications students (and all students for that matter) can partake in. Recently, I just applied to be one of their e-board members that control their content creation and blog, which I have also written for here if you are interested.
I have really enjoyed what I have been able to participate in so far with the group and the friends that I have already made because of it. It's really not easy trying to find your niche in college and sometimes you just have to apply yourself and be open to opportunities. PRSSA has taught me that being present and showing up will make all the difference for yourself professionally. It has also been a great way for me to actually step inside the industry and get real experience from PR professionals. So, let's hope I get the position.
04. I've been keeping up with yoga and continuing with it ever since sophomore year, but the repetition and same vinyasa flows have been making me a little bored, to be honest. As much as I love it, I need to switch things up a bit with my fitness routine. Just this last week I tried out a boxing boot camp, that killed my arms, but made me even more motivated to use different parts of my body I never thought could get sore.
05. The last major thing I want to accomplish this month is my mentality. I have no plans for Valentine's Day and I feel like this is the time of year when everyone wishes there was someone in their life and they just get sad. I've spent many Valentine's Days alone and they're really not that bad. I don't buy into all of the hearts and chocolate crap anyway.
Besides worrying about my relationship status, there are a lot of worse scenarios that I could think of that don't effect me right now, so I need to remind myself that my problems now are miniscule compared to what I might be facing a month, year, or five years from now. I need to enjoy this time I have (sounds like I'm dying). I can assure you I am alive and thriving, but there will undoubtedly be good and bad days. What's on your February to-do list?
Besides worrying about my relationship status, there are a lot of worse scenarios that I could think of that don't effect me right now, so I need to remind myself that my problems now are miniscule compared to what I might be facing a month, year, or five years from now. I need to enjoy this time I have (sounds like I'm dying). I can assure you I am alive and thriving, but there will undoubtedly be good and bad days. What's on your February to-do list?
As January comes to a close, I want to admit that this month was not easy for me. The transition back into school after a very long break and the pressure to improve or resolve last years issues and obstacles had me on the stress train. In the hustle and bustle of schedules and getting to where I need to go, I've lost sight of where I am in my life and what has happened to me thus far. Good and bad. It's almost as if I'm just functioning in a daze at the moment. I know I'll get back on my feet soon though because I've come to realize that where I am right now is a very good place.
It is very easy to get lost in a different sight of things: obsessing over stuff like a dent you got in your dad's car (damn you excessively high snow drifts), worrying about how much money you have and whether you can afford groceries for the week, that paper you haven't started yet, your relationship status, the job you have and despise, or that stinky professor that drags on and on about their personal life—it all happens to us. We have busy ass lives, and I get that, but at the end of the day, we're safe, we have people who love us, we have ways of making money to sustain ourselves, we're smart and educated, healthy, and have all the things we could possibly want. So, why do we take it all for granted?
Over the course of my teen years, I have dwelled on so many things. Looking back now, those "things" don't even affect me or make sense for that matter. Like whether or not I had the right pair of Uggs in middle school. It seems so juvenile and ridiculous of me to even worry about, but it did make me worry. Now, I worry about whether or not I can afford to buy milk for my roommate and I. How the tables have turned. There are always going to be things to worry about, but a lot of the time they're not worth wasting valuable time and energy on when you could be reconnecting with friends or pursuing your hobbies the best way you know how.
I'm a victim of comparison and have concluded that it's my mortal enemy—my kryptonite. With social media and every bad juju there is online, it can be hard to separate yourself and I've definitely fallen to that level many times. In that way, I think many people can relate, and I feel as though that it devalues the most important things we should be worrying about like calling your mom or showing up for one of your friends.
As the month moves forward and there are things to look forward to in my life, I want to try to take my best foot forward. I know there are opportunities waiting for me and losing sight of who I am and where I am is not on the agenda. Sometimes, it's okay to check yourself. We need to reflect on our feelings and sights of things. Be grateful for what you have and stop counting the days and start counting the moments.
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It's that time of winter in mid-January when the temperature starts to plummet and the forecast is snowstorm after snowstorm. Over MLK weekend, which was a four day weekend for me, I decided to go back home to regroup after being at school for about two weeks now. It's convenient enough for me to take the trains home and I wanted to beat the snowstorm headed our way in the Midwest. Suffice to say, it was a relaxing and a rather eventful weekend. I have some friends back home, so out of spontaneity we went laser tagging.
I wanted to express my overwhelming feeling that a lot of people get this time of the year when life picks back up again, but you're still in vacation mode and the back of your mind wishes you were snuggled up in your bed with your pup or hanging out with all of your closest friends back home. It is so hard being comfortable with the uncomfortable.
Especially since I only live 20 miles away from home. Living on my own has been a challenge and I'm not afraid to say that I've also been homesick. Luckily, I can get nannying jobs back home with my families so it allows me to stay overnight or on the weekend sometimes. However, I get this huge feeling of guilt like I can't do it on my own. Everyone else is able to go away to college for 10+ weeks without seeing their family and pets, and I can't last two weeks. It's been an internal struggle at times. I will get so focused on school and then all of a sudden I just get a wave of loneliness and discomfort.
My best friend is studying for about four or five months in London right now and I just can't think of what feelings she has gone through this past couple of weeks. There are things I want to do, like study abroad in Europe this summer, and I know I can do it, but if I'm going to want to lead the life I want, I'm going to have to find ways to keep myself going.
Not only do I need to slow down my thoughts and worries, but I also need to remember where I am. Especially since I am in a great place right now in school and in my life. This is the time where I have to make most of my college experience and take it all in. I forget that sometimes. The hard life isn't here yet and the realization probably won't hit me until I walk the stage. At times when I get into this feeling of guilt, loneliness, and like my life isn't as planned out as I hoped, I try to distract myself and focus on things that are important and release me from these feelings.
Whether that be writing it all down, so that I can at least document this feeling for later, but share with people that they're not in it alone either. I also make it important to talk to people and friends, watch a movie or show, read, finish homework, listen to music, or something that makes you tired enough. I even enjoy meeting up to study or face timing my other college friends to check in on them, too. I've noticed that I feel these bad feelings late at night—nights are the worst I've concluded.
When we're alone, in our own rooms, stuck with our thoughts, no one to talk to, we obsess and digress into a state of gloom. So, when there are times that the darkness consumes you late at night, remember where you are, who in your life supports you and cares about you, what great things you've accomplished thus far, and blow away the negative thought clouds that make you sad and regretful. There's no need for them because you can't control the past and you can't dwell on the future. I've taken time to get back into an actual routine and sometimes I forget about blogging and haven't felt very motivated to take more pictures for it or plan posts, and I think it's okay.
I'm trying to find a pace that works for me. I've worked very hard these past two years and dealing with college can be a lot at times. I might just post once a week, or two if I feel like it. I don't want to hold myself accountable for taking breaks and going home if I want to. This guilt is only affecting me and one of the reasons I chose a school so close to home is so that I can go home when I want to. I can't force myself at times when I'm feeling low and sad. There are things I want to achieve while I'm at school and I can't do it all alone.
As I manage to control and limit my Sex and the City binge obsession, I'm starting to wonder about the bond that Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha, and Miranda have and cease to break—it seems as though no matter what guy has come into their lives, what type of financial or job situation they're in, or how much sex they have for that matter, friendship ceases to dissolve and only grows stronger as the show goes on and much is experienced. Of course, no one's life is as crazy as Carrie's, structured as Charlotte's, demanding as Miranda's, or as "open" as Samantha's, but despite these differences, they all seem to rely and depend on one another like any girl gang would.
For that, I have been inspired to thank those who have touched my life and have stuck with me. Ever since I was little, making friends didn't come easily to me, but I was already okay with some of the closest friends I had. It was much simpler, friend-making, and I think that was mainly because no one gave a crap about who you were or what you looked like.
I was fortunate enough when I moved into my house 15 years ago and lived next door to two of my best friends, Ellie and Alyssa. We had the luxury of being able to live right next to each other, so that meant long days and nights never leaving each other's sides until one of our moms told us it was time to go—then we'd just show up for breakfast the next day. It was memories of running to and from each other's houses, endless games of ghost and the graveyard, summer bonfires, producing plays, sleepovers, vacations, and having that close neighbor bond that not many people get or experience. We're all in college, so there's only so much time left until we all part ways and continue on our lives. Yet our friendship remains and only grows stronger as we all go through new experiences and hit more obstacles along the way.
What I've realized is that it's okay to have friends for one time in your life and move onto different friends in new chapters. To be honest, I don't really talk to anyone I was close with in high school. Not that anything really happened, but you grow apart from people. The few people that I am still closest to, including Ellie and Alyssa, are those that live the farthest away from me. In fact, I think I am closer to them than ever even though we lived 20 feet away from each other growing up.
Friendship requires effort, trust, distance, closeness, consideration, acceptance, and many other things. I've learned throughout many relationships with people that the easiest way to hold onto someone is by support and release. I've tried latching onto people, changing my perceptions, following the crowd, and have only noticed that friendships suffer. I've lost friends because of this; not because I wanted to change them, but I forced friendships. I thought everyone was gonna stick by my side and the next thing you know, they get bored of you and move on.
Now that I'm grown up and am able to deconstruct this mindset, I've come to terms with the type of friend that I want to be and let that decide who stays and who doesn't. I know that I can rely on my close friends, I can confide in them with anything, trust that they will understand where I'm coming from, put me in my place when I'm thinking out of control, reassure me that everything is going to be okay, laugh at all my lame ass puns, send me memes on Instagram at 3 in the morning, talk to me on the phone for hours, and accept me at my best and my worst.
The thing is, making new friends as an adult does not come easily, especially in college when it feels like elementary school again. I'm fairly social, yeah, but I'm also not the type of person to just walk up and become best friends with someone I've just met. Surprisingly, that happens, but it takes longer for me to trust people and that's something I have come to deal with throughout my childhood and teenage years.
Everything I have dealt with has always been bearable when I knew I had my people. My people know who they are and those that have just entered my life are in for a journey. Friendship is gushy and mushy, filled with laughter and love, and is something I would never want to give up for anything.
I love you all.
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As the holiday season transitions into school season, I want to say hello to the new year and goodbye to the last. My prolonged break was way overdue and I had a nice time off with family and friends. It was a chance for me to reset before I take on new beginnings. As I sit here and write this on my unmade bed, I'm finding it hard to know where exactly to start—a lot has happened in 2018. Good and bad.
I finished my first year of college which was surprisingly fast. Now that I'm starting the second quarter of my sophomore year, I'm going in more confident and reassured that this winter is going to be a good one. With all the gross weather Chicago brings in the next coming months, I need to keep focused, stay motivated, and remain warm! It gets to the negatives people! With that said, I'm trying to take advantage of all the opportunities I can and I want to make sure I get a little more out of my comfort zone. Traveling a lot this past year alone has taught me a lot about myself and what I'm like independently and how I can adapt to certain situations.
I learned a lot about myself in 2018, but I'm ready for what the new year will bring. I worried way too much last year, I dwelled on little things that never mattered, I forced things to happen, and I blurred out the most important things that truly matter. This year is a new slate. Resolutions aren't really my thing but acknowledging growth and change are. Here are some things I would like to work on this year:
01. My Anxiety and Constant Worry
This is always a big one I want to work on because it's always there. No matter what my anxiety thinks, it will never go away. It can be controlled. This year I want to be aware of the bad thoughts and let them pass more often. Either by continuing yoga and a well-rounded routine, I know that I have come to manage my mentality a lot more. However, it seems as though I can never just be content with where I am or what I'm doing. I spend so much time obsessing over what could have happened and what will that I don't enjoy now. So, when moments like that arise, I want to be more aware that I need to keep my eyes on the present and find the good things more than anything.
02. My Perfective Nature
With constant worry and anxiety comes a need to be everything I want to be and have everything I want to be perfect. Now I'm not like someone who has to constantly fix one little imperfection after the next but in my mind, I envision ways things should be. Either by my own idea of how it can be or the people on the internet who tell me I'm not living up to standards. There are so many comparisons and self-evaluations in us that can really sway our ability to appreciate what we already have and what is good. Rather than thinking, I need this specific "thing", time is much better thinking about the great friends and family in my life that are more important than anything materialistic or superficial.
03. Internet Habits
I'd say over the past few months, my social media habits have been lower than normal. Unfortunately, there are times I still get sucked into the social media scrolling trap and am sucked in like most. I have noticed though that I'm not as "perfect" with my posts. Surprise, surprise. I've tended to care less about pimples or wearing the right clothes in pictures. Sharing moments that are the most real to me and not giving a crap about what people think or how many people see it is something not many people are capable of doing these days. I have about 270 followers on Instagram, due to my hacking, and I could care less if I'm short of 1000 whatever people I don't even know. I may be a blogger, I may be savvy online, but sacrificing authenticity and realness for it is not something I plan on doing.
04. Moderation of Things
I really push myself to stay productive and hold myself to schedules and routines. I don't give myself leeway to be flexible and to relax as much. I'm always my best when I have things to do, so this break really made me adjust to not having due dates and deadlines or a million other things I have to do. I want to be able to let myself take a break, have a sleep-in day, get ice cream and pizza when I want to, and don't hold myself back from buying things I want. I resist a lot from the things that might make my life a bit more enjoyable because, well, they cost a lot, might make me fat, or make me even more guilty and undeserving. I've decided that living a life of restriction is something I will not thrive with. If I want a pair of $50 shoes, I'm gonna get them. I know that I save money, can find a means of making it, and shouldn't live my life worrying about whether or not I am going to regret it later when I could have spent the money on textbooks. Textbooks.
05. My Purpose of Doing
Sometimes I find it hard to really think about the reasons we all do things—selfishly or on a more global scale. One example is my writing. I realize that I don't reach a very large audience probably because I'm not insanely savvy or social media popular enough to have one, but more than ever have I been a fan of the content I'm creating. I was really unhappy with the way I was plugging and chugging content just to meet a schedule. So, thinking back to the reason I write and why I want to share personal endeavors and rants with you all is something that brings me release and is actually very therapeutic. If I'm uninspired and tired, I find that I just make my worst work ever and probably should wait until I hit that spark again and get back on my feet. Breaks are necessary because then I'm mindlessly doing things without any purpose or without value. I want to take this year to put my focus and effort into things that bring me purpose and value—even if I don't feel like it one day I don't want that to discourage me.
Here are some smaller aims...
-Travel abroad
-Redesign my blog
-Try out a barre gym class
-Run more
-Drink more water
-Have more girl time
-Be present
-Buy more investment pieces
-Read more books (granted I read 4 this break!)
-Write for quality
-Take more photos with my camera
-Delve into my passions
-Get out of my comfort zone
-Try new foods
-Socialize more
I know I'm not perfect, but the new year is promising and having goals set is a lot more gratifying and motivating to me. I want to make blogging this next year a lot better and focused than the last. While I wish I had thousands of people reading, I know that continuing to do what I love will be the biggest payoff.
It's hard to keep a steady mind with everything else that's going on around us, but I think self-reflection is necessary for us to keep going and growing as human beings. I have faith in the new beginnings and chapters that this year may lead and am looking forward to a fresh start. As I transition back into the swing of things, patience please, I am planning a lot of more great things to come!
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L-O-V-E. The word we all want to hear and the word that has us all completely confused and throwing our shit. Now, I don't normally talk about love—as many people don't—I just never felt like I could fully understand it enough to know what I love and who I love. Of course, I love my family, that's just a given regardless. However, the way we give love, receive it, reject it, and all of its forms has had me thinking a lot lately. You know, some people make it their goal to find love when love is already all around them. Our society has developed this idea that love is something we have to have at a certain point in our lives; you know to marry, make babies, and have a grand 'ol time? Well, the time has changed and love is changing, too. Especially our ideas of it.
I want to disclaim that my growing and evolving "love story" is really new and I'm just learning as much as anyone else is about it. With that said, I've made it a point to be a bit vulnerable because talking about love is something that takes an open heart and I'm ready to share my thoughts with all of you. With it being the season of family and friends, the spirit of Christmas has definitely gotten me into the mood and what originally inspired me to write this. You could be rushing around getting last minute gifts or you could be rushing around trying to meet up with all the people that you care about—or both, who knows. All this time off and the holiday spirit definitely sparks a lot of repressed emotion and rekindled hearts that's for sure.
You see, love is everywhere, whether we know it or not. Growing up I always found someone to crush on. There was always some boy that just caught my eye and unfortunately, it became a secret obsession. Not in like a creepy, gross way, but I looked forward to seeing my crushes pretty much every day in class to a point that my heart would sink if they were absent and I couldn't talk to them. You know, loving was so easy back then when you could just openly not give a shit about who or what was affected by it or judged. You could fearlessly walk up to said boy or girl and kiss them on the face and be girlfriend and boyfriend until one of you forgot you were girlfriend and boyfriend. As kids we never overthought situations and screwed up relationships, it was so much simpler.
As a 19-year-old, who has experienced flings and crushes with multiple guys, I'll be honest I really haven't gotten into any serious relationships. In my early elementary and middle school days, I knew I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend. However, I remember how strong I felt about some certain kids. There was one boy that I grew up with and haven't stopped wondering why things never worked out—we were really good friends that liked each other, but maybe my heart was in it more than his. My question is, do you really stop crushing on someone?
I feel like people we attract ourselves to, no matter if we get married to someone else, never really become "unattractive". Say, you see them at like a high school reunion and all the feels come back. Unless they did something remarkably wrong to you, I don't think the feeling really goes away. That back burner feeling of love is something I experience hardcore. When you know you need to move on—there are way more people out there you'll probably meet—but the back of your mind asks you "what if"? What if I did something differently or didn't say something I should have? Some people in your life will do that to you, I don't have a way of fixing it persay, no one really does, but I like to think that these people that strike us at a certain point in our lives are important and won't be forgotten. With all the happy memories or experiences we have with them, they came into our life when we needed them most.
I get the feeling in my gut, when I know I could be putting myself out there more, making moves and meeting people, but parts of me (the cheesy parts) believe that there is this one person that'll come into my life and want to stay. Isn't that what all hopeless romantics want? But, I'm not hopeless is the thing. I have wasted so much time with boys. Yes, there have been great guys that have come into my life at some point (I'm still young folks), but the time I wasted dwelling on them and second-guessing myself sucked and I was blind. I guess that's what the L-word does to yuh.
Don't get me wrong, I'm open to love and desire it. Like many people do. Family and having close friends around me is something I want present in my life all the time, but that also doesn't mean I want to settle for someone just to have it. I've heard that at 30 everyone settles down and just commits to the person they're dating because "time is running out," but I crave a love so honest and true that I will for sure know, no matter my age, that this person is worthy of staying (okay that was hella cheesy). I guess that's what dating is for, and since I've only been on dates, I can't really advocate for a committed relationship. I've made myself guilty for not creating experiences like that; discovering what commitment is like, getting my heart broken in ways that make me so incredibly frustrated or miserable, knowing how to trust and confide in someone, and to just be fully vulnerable and willing to do anything for another person.
A reason for me not dating a ton of boys in my teens probably is from the innate self-respect I give myself. I've lived through my friends' relationships to know that while there are great things that come with relationships and ship-names, there's also a lot of shit that happens. Maybe I've just avoided it all together when I was younger because I knew that I would graduate school and not want to deal with the breakups, or that I just couldn't be happy with one guy, or just never really understood how it all "worked". I also don't think this avoidance and overly self-respected mindset I have comes out of fear. I just know I deserve better. I don't think I was that innocent either, as having an older sister has worked in my benefit, but I got my first kiss this year and it happened just the way I wanted it to. Not forced, not awkward, just great :) And if that guy is reading this, I just want you to know that I'm thankful it was you.
So yeah, as I dreamed I would have many relationships and dating experience, it all kind of started this year. Really fast, too. I get into some really weird stages where I just put myself out there a ton and nothing happens and then when I'm not making the effort, someone just magically appears out of nowhere. It's funny how when you're so focused on yourself and your own groove, someone notices you. Whether it be at a coffee shop, random Tinder match, library, classroom, or anywhere else. It seemed as though when I worried about everyone else around me, nothing I wanted was happening. It was forced and pressured. Something that sounds selfless actually does us a disfavor because when we obsess over trying to control ulterior situations; relationships, families, etc., it actually hinders other people from being able to reach you. Wow, Nat, you're a true philosopher now. No, I just have a lot of emotions and it's really late at night.
As a 19-year-old, who has experienced flings and crushes with multiple guys, I'll be honest I really haven't gotten into any serious relationships. In my early elementary and middle school days, I knew I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend. However, I remember how strong I felt about some certain kids. There was one boy that I grew up with and haven't stopped wondering why things never worked out—we were really good friends that liked each other, but maybe my heart was in it more than his. My question is, do you really stop crushing on someone?
I feel like people we attract ourselves to, no matter if we get married to someone else, never really become "unattractive". Say, you see them at like a high school reunion and all the feels come back. Unless they did something remarkably wrong to you, I don't think the feeling really goes away. That back burner feeling of love is something I experience hardcore. When you know you need to move on—there are way more people out there you'll probably meet—but the back of your mind asks you "what if"? What if I did something differently or didn't say something I should have? Some people in your life will do that to you, I don't have a way of fixing it persay, no one really does, but I like to think that these people that strike us at a certain point in our lives are important and won't be forgotten. With all the happy memories or experiences we have with them, they came into our life when we needed them most.
I get the feeling in my gut, when I know I could be putting myself out there more, making moves and meeting people, but parts of me (the cheesy parts) believe that there is this one person that'll come into my life and want to stay. Isn't that what all hopeless romantics want? But, I'm not hopeless is the thing. I have wasted so much time with boys. Yes, there have been great guys that have come into my life at some point (I'm still young folks), but the time I wasted dwelling on them and second-guessing myself sucked and I was blind. I guess that's what the L-word does to yuh.
Don't get me wrong, I'm open to love and desire it. Like many people do. Family and having close friends around me is something I want present in my life all the time, but that also doesn't mean I want to settle for someone just to have it. I've heard that at 30 everyone settles down and just commits to the person they're dating because "time is running out," but I crave a love so honest and true that I will for sure know, no matter my age, that this person is worthy of staying (okay that was hella cheesy). I guess that's what dating is for, and since I've only been on dates, I can't really advocate for a committed relationship. I've made myself guilty for not creating experiences like that; discovering what commitment is like, getting my heart broken in ways that make me so incredibly frustrated or miserable, knowing how to trust and confide in someone, and to just be fully vulnerable and willing to do anything for another person.
A reason for me not dating a ton of boys in my teens probably is from the innate self-respect I give myself. I've lived through my friends' relationships to know that while there are great things that come with relationships and ship-names, there's also a lot of shit that happens. Maybe I've just avoided it all together when I was younger because I knew that I would graduate school and not want to deal with the breakups, or that I just couldn't be happy with one guy, or just never really understood how it all "worked". I also don't think this avoidance and overly self-respected mindset I have comes out of fear. I just know I deserve better. I don't think I was that innocent either, as having an older sister has worked in my benefit, but I got my first kiss this year and it happened just the way I wanted it to. Not forced, not awkward, just great :) And if that guy is reading this, I just want you to know that I'm thankful it was you.
So yeah, as I dreamed I would have many relationships and dating experience, it all kind of started this year. Really fast, too. I get into some really weird stages where I just put myself out there a ton and nothing happens and then when I'm not making the effort, someone just magically appears out of nowhere. It's funny how when you're so focused on yourself and your own groove, someone notices you. Whether it be at a coffee shop, random Tinder match, library, classroom, or anywhere else. It seemed as though when I worried about everyone else around me, nothing I wanted was happening. It was forced and pressured. Something that sounds selfless actually does us a disfavor because when we obsess over trying to control ulterior situations; relationships, families, etc., it actually hinders other people from being able to reach you. Wow, Nat, you're a true philosopher now. No, I just have a lot of emotions and it's really late at night.
The rut of comparison and compulsive obsessing over your relationship status eats you whole. I continue to rethink decisions I've made or never did in my past. I've revisited old friends and it always reveals the same shitty thing I hate—moving on. Yeah, times were great with this one person, but that was ten years ago. Times have changed and that person probably wants to move on as much as you don't. It's cliché, but things happen for a reason. Maybe that one guy didn't deserve you and you just opened up more doors and probably will find an even better dude in like a month, who knows? Why worry so much? I'm no love expert, clearly, but a lot of what I've come to realize is that living in the past does nothing for us and you need to leave that shit where it belongs. Okay, so when do we get to the "loving ourselves first" part?
If you've delved into lovey-dovey self-help books and articles on how to find "true love," there's probably a thing or two about why we can't love someone until we love ourselves first. I mean, we have to know how to live with ourselves for what, 80 or so years? I think loving ourselves is hard. There's a lot to not love about ourselves right? You know, your flaws and all you think about when you look in the mirror every morning? Who doesn't have those thoughts because I would love to know. I have always struggled with my self-perception; who I want to be, what I want to say, look like, who I want to associate with, what I want to learn, what I already know, all of it. Self-reflection is not easy, but acknowledging and observing these thoughts is a start. I don't even know if I "love" myself.
Jen Sincero's self-help book called, You Are a Badass, gives some guidelines as to how someone as badass as yourself can go on living the most badass life. I would highly recommend it to everyone. What struck me the most was that after almost all of her chapters, "love yourself," was repeated over and over. It was a reminder that there's only so much you can do to improve your life, but what it all comes down to is how YOU see yourself and love it for what it is, flaws and shit included. We are always striving for the better, the best, the greatest. We want things we can't have. We are so stuck in the past and the future that we can't appreciate what we've got in the present. Whether it be a lover or not because honey, you were always your own lover. Your mom, dad, sister, brother, dog, best friend, old high school buddies, grandma, third cousin, aunt, uncle, and everyone else present in your life probably loves you as much as you need to love yourself.
Loving yourself looks different to everyone. To me, it means accepting all those bad things that happen to you, acknowledging those that care about you and respecting them, respecting yourself and your body, letting yourself feel emotion and be vulnerable, allowing yourself to let go of what and who doesn't serve you anymore, rewarding yourself for things you should be proud of, knowing that you have the ability to change and grow, and lastly, knowing you don't need no man to make your life "complete". There are more I could list, but I think you get the point by now. This isn't a pep talk for sad, broken hearts. It's for people like me who have so much love to give, but the last person we think of giving it to is ourselves.
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Over the years, my writing and blogging process has definitely evolved. Probably for the better, but I definitely don't have it down to a T yet. My creative process is a bit all over the place sometimes, to be honest. Not only does drafting posts take a while, but setting aside time to take all of my photos is something I've come to hassle with on occasion. The beginning of my blog journey consisted of crappy iPhone pictures and one sentence descriptions that lacked any substance or personality whatsoever. So, I think I've come along way and I've definitely never shared what this process is even like and how I balance everything else I do.
It amazes me that I've stuck to a Tuesday/Thursday posting schedule for the past four years, giving myself breaks, taking my own photos, and coming up with personal and enticing content (or at least I think it's enticing). Being a blogger among millions of other bloggers has shed light on what kind of creative industry this is and what I want to make of it. Comparing myself to all of the "pretty perfect" and aesthetically-strict blogs have taught me that I just want to maintain authenticity and realness with my writing and content, as I have been for a while now.
I really haven't had a second thought about followers or numbers because the success and gratification have come through my own improvement and the small joys I get from people who reach out to me about my work. That's what keeps me going and I think that's truly what differentiates me from all of those other content plug and chuggers who crave superficial popularity and money because I don't get paid at all. I know it may seem a little harsh, but I think now more than ever that criticism deems true. I've met bloggers who don't do it for the right reasons: fame, fortune, popularity, all that crap. However, I've also met hardworking and dedicated creators like me who do it because they love it and get more out of it than just the numbers.
As for my writing process, it usually starts with something as mundane and old school as scratching out rough drafts of posts I want to write in advance. Sometimes I get inspiration out of the blue for a post to write and I will create it right away, but a lot of what I plan on writing is prepared in advance. This just helps me so that I am not overwhelmed with a lot of writing and brainstorming during school. I've found this process more efficient and not as stressful as many other bloggers might, it just works. A lot of what influences my posts are just things relevant to me at the time and surrounding circumstances like seasons and big events that are going on. I've definitely hit rock bottom with figuring out exactly what I want to say or do with posts, but other times I'm on a writing spree and will just hash out material back and forth.
I am my own writer, editor, publisher, photographer, fact checker, and blog designer. I don't hire anyone and don't really have the means to do so. Since my blog is out of a hobby, I don't feel the need to put so much money or extra help into the process. I think the fact that I actually do everything gives me a lot more freedom and personality that some blogs who are run by more than one person lack identity. I have considered blogging as being a part of my job someday, but I'm honestly more okay with it just being a passionate hobby and having my job compliment it in some way.
I have goals I would like to reach professionally in public relations and blogging has definitely contributed in that aspect. A lot of my writing is done in my "soft office," also known as, my bed. As I'm writing this now in my bed with my pup at my feet, I've also done a lot of writing in my dorm room on my desk, in my local libraries, coffee shops, and even in the car on my iPhone. Thankfully, my creative juices have been flowing a lot lately and I think that's mainly because I'm on break and make myself really productive.
I'll be honest, I wish I could develop better photography skills and improve on more ways to take advantage of all the tools I have on my DSLR, but I just can't seem to figure it out. I really would like to get a new lens for my Canon T5i that I've had since I've started blogging and somehow change the look of my posts or create a new theme somehow. My skill in photoshop is really limited and my access to it is only when I'm at school. I've always liked my raw photos, but think my blog could use a little more color and uniformity. Maybe I should take more photo classes, who knows! I just need to take my camera out more.
I guess a lot of blogs benefit from the perfected photos, but it just never appealed to me. Even if there are like little marks on the table I take flat lays on, I just don't feel the need to fix it. Who cares? A lot of bloggers would. For my flat lays in particular, I literally just use my side table and push it over to my window. I did used to use a piece of wood with marble contact paper, but overtime didn't like the look of the gloss. I considered getting professional box lighting, but natural light just always attracts me more and my pictures turn out a lot better. I usually have to wake up earlier around like 9 or 10am to just make sure that the sun is alligned right, it all matters! If I try taking pictures around 3 or 4, I'd be lucky if there was any sunlight because it gets dark so early. I'm also usually standing on a chair when I take photos and there are products and decor sitting all over my room.
Blogging has definitely filled the creative void in my life. I miss all of my art classes, but I learn so much from my blog itself. The writing, photography, and blog designing all contribute to my need of creativity. I've also noticed more and more that I'm writing for myself—I mean that I'm not just creating posts that I think readers would like, buying products to just simply review and hype up, but I'm writing about things that I feel are important and relevant to address or question. Yes, I have been doing some beauty and fashion related posts, but a lot of my friends have noticed my personal and more upfront writing to be more favorable.
As I've always mentioned, I'm constantly changing and evolving as I grow and learn with this blog and in this community of writers and readers. The most important thing I remind myself with is that I do this because I love it and continue to thrive from it. It isn't forced at all and I haven't put pressure on myself to look or seem a certain way. I go my own pace and in that, I think my blog and writing benefits so much. It's everyone that constantly supports me that tells me I'm doing something right.
One of the biggest challenges I face in my life is letting the world around me take its lead. There's nothing more constraining than simply allowing the fate of the world ride its course in front of you—it seems so "simple". Yet the greatest things in life come when we least expect it, or at least that's what we're told. The inspiration for this thought comes from a self-help book I read a week ago called You Are A Badass, by Jen Sincero, and she is a badass indeed. The author, speaker, and success coach writes all the ways one can use everything they've got to live one extreme, helluva life; it's advice we all could hear. So, I would highly recommend checking it out. I won't go into full detail about the book itself, but one chapter titled "Remember to Surrender" includes this Eckhart Tolle quote I found striking:
"Surrender to what is. Say "yes" to life and see how life suddenly starts working for you, rather than against you". -Eckhart Tolle
I had to take a step back and think, "do I really say 'no' to a lot of things?". I mean I think a lot of us can agree that there are many times saying "no" is the only practical answer to things, but when opportunities present themselves, do I find myself dismissing them for dumb and profound excuses? Am I not reaching far enough? What are the things I say, do, react that make things harder to achieve? How am I presenting myself and comparing myself to others, why does it affect me so much? Why do I let it?
I am a Control Freak.
Those of you who know me, love me, care about me, talk to me, laugh at me, laugh with me, or anyone who's just seen my room knows I like things a certain way. I'm not a hypertensive drama queen who whines about small, irrelevant details, or I like to tell myself I'm not anyway. My personality wants to make sure that every little thing in my life, emotional and physical, is spick and span so that I can manage to tackle every big thing in my life. If you met me, you would think I'm to myself, but really I'm planning and processing every minute of my life in my head as new information comes in. Oh, the anxiety!
Without a doubt, anxiety fuels this need of perfection and preparation. If I'm not thinking about my future or the effects of the present, I don't know how I can make sure I'm on the "right track" of life. The direction I at least tell myself I'm going in—hell if I knew I would tell you. Little moments in my life have shown this, my parents have seen me go through it when I was trying to apply for college. It was not easy for any of us. I spent hours and hours perfecting my application, days spent emailing scholarship and financial aid offices, dragging my parents into more stress about which college I was going to, pulling my hair out after being waitlisted for a deciding scholarship, and finally finding out that I had gotten it for my number one school, DePaul, a week after I graduated high school. While yes, everything worked out, I persisted an immense amount because I knew I wanted it. However, I knew, in the end, I would be going to any great college. I definitely wasted a lot of my senior year in dread about it.
There are so many things in my life that I don't let go of: where I'm studying, how much money I have, how much money I don't have, who my friends are, what friends I've lost, family I haven't seen in forever, jobs, my purpose, and every existential crisis you could think of, I've probably thought about. I realize that my worries are not similar to many, because there's a lot of bad happening in the world, and also that I can't control everything in my life or the world itself.
Hands-Off Mode.
Obviously, there are things that you can control, like your motivation and persistence to find a job, the effort you put into that job, etc. However, when it seems like all of my force and energy is pushed onto millions of things or one big thing in my life, I live less. I find those moments unenjoyable and just exhausting. Why do I do it then? Well, for one thing, I really like to fulfill passions and expectations. I know people expect great things of me, so why settle? I make myself bite off more than I can chew because I thrive on it. I also suck at it because I dig myself into a big self-deprecating hole of doubt and comparison.
So, with reading this self-help book, How to Be A Badass, it has become clear to me that taking my hands off the steering wheel sometimes is in my best interest. As I sit on my bed now, petting my oh-so-space-generous golden retriever that is literally taking up my half of the bed, I am deciding now that maybe living a "go with the flow" kinda life might seem like the perfect ideal. Not worrying about what comes next, but enjoying the small moments you have now. Yeah, I've already awed and ooed about presence in other posts and all that, everything my yoga instructors instruct me, whatever my parents confide in me, and every Tumblr post in between—I know don't listen to myself when I need to the most.
Taking my Own Advice.
It's really not easy listening to my own advice. "Read your blog posts, Nat. You already know what you need to do," my mom urges. Sometimes its nice hearing other people's thoughts about what direction they think you should go in—getting outside perspectives is always a great tool for you to go from, but you should never let it consume you. I know I'm smart. Millions of people could tell me how to apply for internships, successful job interview tips, what should be on my resume, how to dress, how to be productive, how to not worry about everything, but at the end of the day, I know what's good for me. Sometimes it takes letting go of all outside factors (opinions, ideas, dad's advice) or just letting go of one.
Just saying "I need to let go," seems so easy, but it is so multi-faceted and complex in my mind. In moments when I need to be the most present, my mind is usually back in the fifth-grade regretting friendship decisions I made. There just seems like no getting past it. When I'm not past it, I'm behind it. I'm never here. I keep saying how time is flying by in front of my very eyes and this is because we are all so time oriented.
Everything revolves around time, it's all we got to keep us going (well I guess maybe not all we got): when we gotta be there, when we have to leave, when the thing starts, when the thing ends, when we have to live, and when we have to die. Time is so precious to us and it taunts us. If we don't get something done in time, we fail. If we don't make it there on time, we fail. If we forget the time, we fail.
I can't worry about time or as much as I have. I can't worry about a trip I'm planning with my college's study abroad because it's six months from now, I can't worry about what internship I might have in a year from now, I can't worry about my relationship status because I have time to meet people, I can't worry about who I will be around when I'm older because all that matters is what I've got at this moment and how I'm spending it now. Surrender to the flow of life, be present, listen to yourself and others, and the rest will follow.
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